Christmas Tree

John john told me that that this year we needed to have a christmas tree to make our home feels like holidays, so he went and bought it. My mom and I started decorating the tree.  It came out nice.  I did not really know how I would feel until late at night.  It hit me so hard that I cried all night.  I was a mess that I could not go to work today.  I could not even get up.  I want to feel numb, so I don't have to feel this pain of missing my husband.  I hope it gets better.  I really hope.